Over It

Last Sunday, my (new) ex-BF and I talked. It was the first time we saw each other after I broke up with him last January 26. We never talked of what happened, we talked about the future. We already accepted that we are now friends (best friends in fact, after being knowing each other for roughly around 7 years) and that we can never be lovers again.  We can still talk to each other, text each other, meet somewhere and hang out, but we are only friends.

Even if a few believe that lovers cannot be friends, we would like to defy this concept. As of press time, we are OK. We still have direct communication with each other, but nothing romantic could and would happen.

I feel a whole lot better now than before. I don't cry now and I don't feel bad at all. We mutually enjoy our current set - up, and maybe we are really meant to be only life - long friends.

Sabi nga ng mama ko,  "Be happy if he considers you as a friend. He puts you in a situation where you are with him forever without being hurt".

Now I Surrender

THE BEGINNING:

Last night, I broke my silence. I told him that it is over, and after two hours, in his reply, subliminally, he wanted to thank me for doing so, that it seems he was in relief, that it was all he was waiting for:

"kung yan ang gusto m wala ako magagawa...sori s  mga ngwa ko...so i guess dis is the end...ingat k plgi i love you pero you said it na so i guess no turning back na wg m pbbyaan sarili mo ha...gudnyt"

The whole world rejoiced.

My maternal clan was feasting even if they are worried if I can move on without pain after five years of being with him.

AND I FEEL OK:

As of presstime, I feel fine, a lot better than what I felt these past few days. No tear was shed, although I still catch myself gazing at the vast empty space.I can still smile, laugh, crack jokes, make fun of myself. I already accepted the fact that if a guy is once a cheater, hewill always be a cheater.

My only fear is that maybe I do not yet know that I am still numb, that I would only feel the pain after certain number of days have passed, and no one is there to give me a compassionate hug. There is no "Raven Knives" who will stay up with me until the wee hours of the morning to challenge me and keep me sane.Hard-headed as I am, I am aware that I should always be reminded that I should stick to my decision no matter how painful I would be going through. Being a fan of irony, there would be no one to decipher what I really intended to say. As love overflows to me every time this season comes, no one is there to catch everything and give it back to me until the time comes that I can stand up without being frail once more. (No, I am not frail yet.I feel better and quite stronger and motivated now...but I do not know what the days will bring).

But I wish of a brother, an uncle, or a guy friend, whom I never had. Someone who would not condemn me every time I cry. Someone who would listen without judging me. Ahhh....All is a wish.(Ate, may imaginary friends ka kaya! Joke.)

Life must go on. There is no reason for me to stand still. Even if I haven't got someone to guide me, I know this will help me grow more...to walk alone and stop depending on others emotionally.

I LAY DOWN MY PLANS:

This is the perfect time to execute everything I have planned before.

I will, by all cost, secure a passport and have a vacation out of the country...probably in Macau (I really wanted to go there since I want to visit Macau Tower and bungee jump there, and to see the "Simbahang Putol", as my uncle describes, and eat curry noodles! OOOOHHH NUUHHHHDOOOLLLLSSSS!). 

I will continue my (law) studies and push myself hard so not to waste a single moment in law school.

Pass the bar exam.

Have a small business. (I do not want to be an employee for my eternity!)

Will party all night.

Will work hard.

Will pray harder.

Will make myself sexier than before.(OOOHHHMMMPPPHHHFFFF!)

Hope that I could return to my church's music team and sing again (I doubt if they would accept me for the nth time. Ilang beses ko na silang iniwanan...).

Will prepare for the one destined for me.

AND love myself more.

Fresh Wounds

Ever since I have known the thing called blog, I considered this one as a therapy. Let me rant, I want to heal myself.

It's been two weeks since he was working in a province far from my place. As of press time, he comes home once a week. He rents a dorm in the said province.

Before his first day of work, I have premonitions and instincts that this relationship I have with him will soon come to an end --- and it is sooner than I expected. In heavy chest I prayed to God that if it is His will for the two of us to be together for eternity, He will not let any problems interfere in our relationship. If His will is otherwise, may God tear our relationship apart as soon as possible so that I could still bear the pain.

Sunday came and it was an answered prayer. I discovered that my boyfriend was calling and texting another woman everytime I am already lulled to sleep. One of his messages to her reads: "nalulungkot nga ako hindi ako nakapasok sa SM kasi hindi na kita makikita". His call log showed that the last time he called her was 11:30 in the evening. I never reacted violently at first. Without me saying a word, he came up with his defense: "hindi kasi kita macontact, ayoko naman abalahin ka. Wala yun, siya ang niloloko ko, hindi ikaw".

Now I surrender.

I want to give up this relationship. I have been cheated three times, this is the fourth. I don't want to be called a fool again. Of course, I will be sad if I would do it, since I grew up with him. From my adolescence to this point of my maturity, he was with me. He accepted me for who I am --- my recurring past, my endeavors in the present and what I wanted in the future.He has been good to me, but I don't want to be a victim again. I never had a good father, at least man lang I would have a good partner in life --- a thing I doubt my boyfriend would give me.

I will never heal if he would still be with me. I was cheated three times. From there I lost my confidence, I failed to hone my trust, wounds were never healed --- nag langib lang tapos every now and then nasasagi at nag-ga-gangrene.

I wanted to tell him it's over.

But I can't do it now.

And it seems that no one understands.

Give me a little time, masasabi ko ring ayoko na. Kaya lang, sana this time, kapag nakipaghiwalay ako, mayroong Raven Knives na sasalo sa kalungkutan ko at magpapanatili ng ulo ko na nakatingala.

The Yuletide Season's Nightmare

Masyado akong nalibang nitong nakaraang Christmas vacation. Nasarapan akong magpahinga, at nag enjoy ako kakakain. At naover-eat ata ako. Ngayon maraming nagsasabi na tumaba talaga ako.

Naku, pano na yan? Tamad pa naman ako mag gym or exercise dahil wala naman akong time to do that. I have my 9 to 6 job, my house obligations and my role as a faithful girlfriend to a nearly-L.D.R., kya wala na ako time.

Oh my...

Wishlist

Please let me speak Tagalog.

Marami ang naniniwala na ang darating na 2010 ay magdadala ng malaking pagbabago sa ating mundo at sa mga personal na buhay ng mga homo sapiens na naninirahan sa ibabaw nito. Dahil sa liwanag ng pag-asa na nababanaag, pati narin sa epekto ng pagbabasa ko ng Cosmopolitan, naging desidido ako na magdala ng pagbabago sa aking sarili (etchos, ang totoo ang lahat ng ito ay epekto ng pagkakauntog ko sa jeep nung isang araw).

At hindi ko ito tatawaging New Years Resolution, dahil nung 2008 nagnew year's resolution ako na hindi na ako magnenew year's resolution. Ang mababasa ninyo ay tawagin nating Wishlist.

1. Magpapakababae na ako. Seryoso, walang tao ang nag-iisip na purong babae ako dahil sa ugali ko, at sa way of living ko. Kahit ang sinta ko. Tinanong ko nga siya kung ano tingin niya sa akin, sabi niya transpinay ako. Kaya mula ngayon magpapakababae na ako, at ang lahat ay maguumpisa sa pamamagitan ng pagkakaron ng beauty regime. Uy ha, bumili na nga ako ng eskinol at pabango kanina.

2. Magpapakabait na ako. Alam ko imposible, lalo na sa office dahil lahat sila tingin sa akin cute na demonyita. Pero babawasan ko na ang pagsumpa, pagmumura, pagtataray, at pag inom ng alak.

3. Magiging better girlfriend ako. Well, sana nga...nagbasa kasi ako ng Cosmopolitan at dun sa checklist ng traits of the annoying girlfriend lahat may check ako.

4. Mas magiging confident ako. Totoo, dati confident ako sa sarili ko, not until ilang beses ako pinagpalit sa sexy at magandang mga babae. Masyado ako nasaktan, kaya nawalan ako ng tino. Tapos tumaba pa ako.

5. Bibilin ko na ang gusto ko. Dati nauuwi lahat ng pera ko sa pagkain at mga walang kapararakang bagay. Bumibili pa ako ng gamit na medyas para singhutin. Tapos binabase ko pa sa gusto ng iba ang bibilin ko para sa sarili ko. Noon yun, at hindi ko na gagawin yun ngaun. Bibili na ako this year ng isa pang cellphone at saka laptop.

6. Iinom na ako ng tea. Nagkakatibag kasi dito sa bahay, sayang lang kung iisnobin.

Yan muna sa ngayon. Biglang nag hang ang utak ko, nawala ata sa pwesto mula noong nauntog ako nung isang araw sa jeep.